What are the normal feelings of grief?

As you face a loss, you may have different feelings at different times. These feelings include shock, denial, anger, guilt, sadness and acceptance. You may find yourself going back and forth from one feeling to another. For example, right when it seems that you're starting to accept your loss, you may find yourself feeling sad or guilty again. Your grief may never completely go away. But the pain you feel will lessen with time as you work through these feelings.

What usually happens first?

In the first hours or days after the loss, you may feel shocked, numb and confused. You may not remember what people have said to you. You may think and act as though the loss hasn't occurred. This is called denial.

As the shock wears off, reality will slowly break through. You'll begin to realize that the loss has happened. It's normal to feel abandoned and angry. You may direct your anger toward God, religion, doctors and nurses, the one who has died or other loved ones, or even yourself.

What happens after the anger wears off?

After you get through some of the anger and denial, it's normal to pretend things are like they used to be. If someone you love has died, you may play memories over and over in your mind. You may also feel the presence of your loved one, think you see him or her, or think you hear his or her voice.

You may also find yourself talking to your loved one as though he or she were in the room with you. As you begin to realize that your loved one is gone and won't be back, you'll begin to feel the full impact of your loss. These feelings may be scary because they're so strange and so strong. They may make you feel like you're losing control.

What happens then?

When you begin to realize the full impact of the loss on your life, you may feel depressed and hopeless. You may also feel guilty. You may find yourself thinking things like "if only" or "why me?" You may cry for no apparent reason. This is the most painful stage of healing, but it won't last forever. In normal grief, the depression will begin to lift with time.

What is the first sign of relief?

You may start to feel better in small ways. For example, you may find it's a little easier to get up in the morning, or you may have small bursts of energy. This is the time when you'll begin to reorganize your life around your loss or without your loved one.

What is the final stage?

The last stage of accepting a loss is when you begin to reinvest in other relationships and activities. During this time, it's normal to feel guilty or disloyal to your loved one because you're moving on to new relationships. It's also normal to relive some of your feelings of grief on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and during other special times.

How long does grief last?

You'll probably start to feel better in 6 to 8 weeks. The whole process can last anywhere from 6 months to 4 years.

If you feel like you're having trouble at any point, ask for help. People who can help include friends, family, clergy, a counselor or therapist, support groups and your family doctor.

Be sure to talk with your family doctor if you have a lot of trouble eating, sleeping or concentrating for more than the first couple of weeks. These can be signs of depression. Your family doctor can help you with depression so you can start to feel better.

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