Being a parent can be a joy, but it’s also a hard job. No parent is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Even loving parents sometimes do things they don’t mean to do, such as yell at a child. But if you think you’re having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of abuse doesn’t start.
I get so frustrated sometimes. Is this normal?
Yes, all parents get frustrated. Children take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your own life. You may have worries about your job, your bills or your relationships. Or you may have problems with alcohol or drugs. To be a good parent, you have to first take care of yourself. That means getting help for your problems.
What can I do when I feel frustrated?
Take a break. Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. For example, have your partner stay with the children so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you’re a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you or watching your child while you go out.
I sometimes lose my temper. Does that mean I’m a bad parent?
No, many parents lose their temper with their children. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to take it out on your children. When you’re really angry, take a break. For example, take your children for a walk or call a friend to come help you. If you feel angry with your child almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help by talking to your family doctor. He or she can offer advice and give you resources to help you. There are support groups that can help parents, too.
Is it okay to spank my child?
Spanking isn’t the best way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children self-control. Spanking may teach children to stop doing something out of fear. There are better ways to discipline children.
One good way for infants and toddlers is called “redirecting.” When you redirect a child, you replace an unwanted (bad) behavior with an acceptable (good) behavior. For example, if throwing a ball inside the house is against the rules, take your child outside to throw the ball.
If you have older children, explain the consequences of their actions and why it is important to take responsibility for them. For example, you can explain to your child that everyone had to wait for dinner because he or she didn’t set the table when asked. Explain that your child has to wash the dishes after dinner because he or she didn’t set the table before dinner.
Path to well being
There’s not just one right way to raise children. And there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:
- Show your love. Every day, tell your children: “I love you. You’re special to me.” Give lots of hugs and kisses.
- Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they’re important and that you’re interested in what they have to say.
- Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they’re scared. Show them you’ve taken steps to protect them.
- Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps, and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
- Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you’re proud of them.
- Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don’t say, “You were bad.” Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: “Running into the street without looking isn’t safe.” Then tell the child what to do instead: “First, look both ways for cars.”
- Be consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If 2 parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure babysitters and relatives know (and follow) your family rules.
- Spend time with your children. Do things together, such as reading, walking, playing, and cleaning the house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually an attempt to get your attention.
Who can I ask when I need help raising my child?
There are many ways to get good parenting advice. Sign up for parenting classes offered by hospitals, community centers, or schools. Read parenting books or magazines. Talk to your family doctor, a minister, a priest, or a counselor.
You can also ask your family doctor for parenting help. Don’t be embarrassed to ask. Raising children is hard, and no one can do it alone. Your doctor can help you with issues like discipline, potty training, eating problems, and bedtime. Your doctor can also help you find local groups that can help you learn good parenting skills.
Things to consider
Don’t let things get out of control. If you feel at any time as though you may hurt your child or yourself, tell someone. Tell a family member, a friend, your doctor, or someone close to you.
Questions for your doctor
- What are some good consequences for children who misbehave?
- How strict should I be with my children?
- What if my child doesn’t care about getting in trouble?
- What if my child does not respect my authority?
- What can I do if my child doesn’t listen to me?
Copyright © American Academy of Family Physicians
This information provides a general overview and may not apply to everyone. Talk to your family doctor to find out if this information applies to you and to get more information on this subject.