Talking to Your Kids About Virginity

Virginity is the state of not having had sex. A virgin is a person who has not yet had sex or chooses to abstain from sex. Our culture often defines sex as vaginal intercourse between a woman and a man. But sex also occurs between other genders when vaginal or anal penetration takes place.

Talking to your kids about virginity goes hand in hand with talks about sex. It is best to have an ongoing dialogue with your kids on these topics. You should start at a young age with basics about sexuality and respect for our bodies. Add details and advice as your children get older. Be sure to have conversations about virginity and sex both before and after your kids begin to date.

Path to improved health

Kids are influenced by sex in a lot of ways. The media often portrays sex as common and casual. Pressure to have sex also can come from those around them. It could be from friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, peers, or siblings.

Children react better to this topic when parents are open and honest. You can explain that sex is a special act. It should be done with someone they love and fully trust. It can take time to find that person. This is why some people choose to stay a virgin until marriage. You should let your kids know that people might pressure them to have sex before they are ready. People who do this don’t really care about them. When people care about you, they respect your choices. It is important to talk about and model what a healthy relationship looks like. Let them know that having sex requires consent between two people.

Making the choice to stay a virgin or to lose your virginity is a big commitment. It affects your physical, emotional, spiritual, and social well-being. Kids often need help to process these thoughts and feelings. They also need to understand the risks associated with having sex. Two of the biggest risks are pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). You can get STIs from vaginal, anal, and oral sex. In addition to using a method of birth control to prevent pregnancy, anyone who is sexually active should use condoms to also prevent STIs. Talk to your children about the types of STIs. Make sure they know how to access and use birth control and condoms if they need them.

Things to consider

It is normal for kids to struggle with deciding when they are ready to have sex. Certain factors can affect this.

• Teens who go through puberty earlier might be more interested in sex. Also, girls often mature before boys.
• A lot of kids want to follow their friends’ actions. Remind them to be friends with people they like and respect. You should get to know their friends well and make them feel comfortable talking to you about problems.
• Self-esteem. If they are not ready to have sex, it is easier to resist peer pressure if they have high self-esteem.
• Kids might think it’s okay to have sex if their parents, or other family members, had kids at a young age. If they see people close to them in unhealthy or unstable relationships, it could make sex seem like a casual act.
• Gender identity can be confusing for kids to understand and talk about. Some children identify as the sex they were born with, and others don’t. This can make life and virginity or sex difficult to process. People also have various gender preferences when it comes to attraction. They may be interested in opposite-sex relationships, same-sex, both, or neither. Don’t assume anything and be open to what they want to share with you.

It is best to talk to your kids early and often about knowing when they are ready to have sex. Tell them it’s normal to have sexual feelings or urges. Let them know they can come to you with any questions or problems. Below are some suggestions on how to prepare:

• Always listen, even when you don’t understand or agree, and be ready to answer questions.
• Try to remain open, honest, and calm. In the end, the choice to have sex and practice virginity is up to them. Let them know you love them and support them either way.
• Provide your children with helpful resources or tools. Make connections to the world around them, such as TV, books, or social media, to make the conversation more approachable.
• Help your children set expectations and create boundaries that will help them make good decisions. Remind them that actions can progress quickly. If your child is dating but not ready to have sex, urge them to set limits ahead of time.

As your child’s parent, or caregiver, it is up to you to provide important information and take action when needed.

• Help your child with self-esteem and teach them skills to handle social pressures and emotional issues.
• Teach them about the danger of substance abuse. Alcohol and drugs can affect your judgment and lead to bad choices.
• Be clear that they should not take any abuse. This includes verbal, physical, and sexual. If this happens, they need to alert a trusted adult right away.

Sex can be an addiction and lead to unsafe behavior and practices. Your child should know that sex is not a game. They should not compete to have sex. They should never have sex if they don’t want to or don’t say yes. If this occurs, they need to tell a trusted adult right away.

When to see a doctor

It is very important to include your child’s doctor in the conversation about sexual health. They can provide additional information, resources, and support. Encourage your kids to ask questions and give them privacy with their doctor, if they wish. Contact their doctor if your child has sex and thinks they are pregnant or have symptoms of a STI.

Children will experience many emotions on the topics of having sex or waiting. These may include anxiety, depression, sadness, confusion, regret, or guilt. If your child is rejected after sex or for choosing not to have sex, they may become isolated or angry. If this happens, seek medical and psychological care.

Questions to ask your doctor

• At what age should I start talking to my kids about having sex?
• What if my child is already sexually active?
• How should I talk to my kids about preventing pregnancy and STIs?

Resources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Talk to Your Kids About Sex